I know it's against the rules, but luckily I have friends in high places in the world of airport Customs Officers, so with a little bribery and shhexual coercion I managed to sneak this little bugger back into Blighty. He's a python and I've called him Bernard, after my uncle. They're equally slippery and both like eating mice for lunch. The fucker keeps trying to eat my hamsters and getting a black eye. But it doesn't matter too much, he's entering the oven on Christmas Day, not a fucking beauty pageant. My plan is to get it to get it to eat a 50lb turkey a day or two before Christmas. It's the best way to keep the turkey moist, couple that with the low-fat all-shhex joy of python crackling and we'll have a lip-shhmacking Christmas dinner to remember!